{"id":12057,"date":"2019-05-15T05:29:22","date_gmt":"2019-05-14T20:29:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/themantic-education.com\/ibpsych\/?p=12057"},"modified":"2020-09-16T12:38:18","modified_gmt":"2020-09-16T03:38:18","slug":"gottmans-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.themantic-education.com\/ibpsych\/2019\/05\/15\/gottmans-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work\/","title":{"rendered":"Gottman\u2019s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>This is a summary of Gottman&#8217;s 7 principles from his book (Available <a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work\/dp\/0553447718\/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=7+principles&amp;qid=1557347044&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-1\">here<\/a>).\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><b>Enhance Your Love Maps <\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Basically, the more you know about each other the stronger your relationship will be. So a \u201clove map\u201d is basically your schema for the knowledge that you possess of your partner, include a range of details involving their hopes, dreams, fears, beliefs, aspirations.<\/span><\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_12058\" style=\"width: 310px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-12058\" class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-12058\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.themantic-education.com\/ibpsych\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2019\/05\/bigstock-Happy-Love-Elderly-Couple-Smil-285377095.jpg?resize=300%2C200&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"Happy Love Elderly Couple Smile Face, Senior Couple Old Man And\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.themantic-education.com\/ibpsych\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2019\/05\/bigstock-Happy-Love-Elderly-Couple-Smil-285377095.jpg?resize=300%2C200&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.themantic-education.com\/ibpsych\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2019\/05\/bigstock-Happy-Love-Elderly-Couple-Smil-285377095.jpg?resize=768%2C512&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.themantic-education.com\/ibpsych\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2019\/05\/bigstock-Happy-Love-Elderly-Couple-Smil-285377095.jpg?resize=100%2C67&amp;ssl=1 100w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.themantic-education.com\/ibpsych\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2019\/05\/bigstock-Happy-Love-Elderly-Couple-Smil-285377095.jpg?w=900&amp;ssl=1 900w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-12058\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">It&#8217;s intriguing to know how some couples stay happily married forever, while others don&#8217;t. It&#8217;s so sweet seeing older couples holding hands, but the cynical side of me sometimes thinks &#8220;probably a second marriage.&#8221; (Shh&#8230;don&#8217;t tell my wife I said that!)<\/p><\/div>\n<ul>\n<li><b>Nurture your fondness and admiration <\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Fondness means to like someone, to be \u201cfond\u201d of them. Admiration means that you have respect for what they do and who they are, you \u201cadmire\u201d them for some reason. Gottman claims that these are essential in a healthy relationship and they should be nurtured. Fondness and admiration might not just happen, and sometimes over time it may be easy to lose sight of those aspects of your partner that you do love and admire. But it\u2019s important that couples consciously focus on, and remember, the reasons why they like (and love) their partner. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><strong>Read More:<\/strong> Gottman&#8217;s Love Lab and the Four Horsemen of Divorce (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.themantic-education.com\/ibpsych\/2019\/05\/09\/studying-marriage-gottmans-love-lab-and-the-four-horsemen-of-divorce\/\">Link<\/a>)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<ul>\n<li><b style=\"color: var(--color-text);\">Turn toward each other instead of away<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A healthy couple are allies &#8211; they rely on each other and are \u201con the same team.\u201d Building this alliance happens through small interactions every day. By making small connections with one another through open and reciprocal communication, couples will learn to love and trust their partner and will feel supported. This alliance can become so important in big events and\/or times of extreme stress. If you are going through something really serious, if you have been turning toward your partner you will be able to find strength, solace and comfort in them in the big moments, as well as the little ones. <\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><b>Let your partner influence you<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This might be the hardest for some men. It\u2019s not a matter of \u201cgiving in\u201d to your partner or simply following their every wish, but it\u2019s about being open, responsive and receptive to the ideas of your partner. I.e. not stubbornly believing that you\u2019re always right and no-one can tell you better. Unhappy couples don\u2019t listen to one another and fail to see how the other could be right. It\u2019s easy to see how the four horsemen might enter into play here.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><b>Solve your solvable problems<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There are some problems that aren\u2019t solvable, and this should be recognized and realised as such. For instance, my wife and I will always come from two different countries and have two very different countries that we love and would be happy to spend the rest of our lives in (i.e. my wife would love to live in Japan for her entire life and I\u2019d love to live in NZ). But we can\u2019t solve this problem immediately. What we need to do is make a compromise. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Some problems are solvable, though. A common source of conflict in any relationship has to do with money and finances. If one partner has a different view of money and how to spend\/invest it, this may cause problems. This problem, however, is solvable, and couples should work towards finding solutions to these problems.<\/span><\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_12054\" style=\"width: 310px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-12054\" class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-12054\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.themantic-education.com\/ibpsych\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2019\/05\/bigstock-People-And-Relationships-Conce-179376637.jpg?resize=300%2C200&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"People And Relationships Concept. African American Couple Arguin\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.themantic-education.com\/ibpsych\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2019\/05\/bigstock-People-And-Relationships-Conce-179376637.jpg?resize=300%2C200&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.themantic-education.com\/ibpsych\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2019\/05\/bigstock-People-And-Relationships-Conce-179376637.jpg?resize=768%2C512&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.themantic-education.com\/ibpsych\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2019\/05\/bigstock-People-And-Relationships-Conce-179376637.jpg?resize=100%2C67&amp;ssl=1 100w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.themantic-education.com\/ibpsych\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2019\/05\/bigstock-People-And-Relationships-Conce-179376637.jpg?w=900&amp;ssl=1 900w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-12054\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">You don&#8217;t have to be married to apply Gottman&#8217;s principles. It might even work with friendships.<\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Gottman believes that all couples argue and that there is not a difference in the amount of arguing in a relationship when comparing happy and unhappy couples (or the \u201cmasters\u201d and \u201cdisasters\u201d as he calls them). The difference is in the way <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">they <\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">argue. In many healthy arguments, a resolution is never actually found (unsolvable problems). <\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><b>Overcome gridlock <\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Gridlock may refer to a traffic jam where cars are boxed in and cannot move. In an argument, gridlock is when two couples are stuck in their opposing points of view and can\u2019t move forward. The goal isn\u2019t necessarily to solve the problem, as some problems can\u2019t be solved. The goal instead is to move the problem from gridlock to dialogue. Let\u2019s say one partner wants kids and the other doesn\u2019t &#8211; this may be an unsolvable problem, but it could be one that might not necessarily end the relationship provided both couples can communicate their feelings and each can understand the other\u2019s perspective. Through communicating about our shared beliefs, dreams, aspirations, we can gain a better perspective of our partner and we may be able to break the gridlock and move towards making compromises, or even changing our minds and solving the problem. <\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><b>Create shared meaning <\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I think it\u2019s safe to say we all want meaning in our life; it would be rather boring and depressing otherwise. Part of a happy relationship is sharing that meaning. Happy and contented couples are deeply connected, and part of that connection involves creating a shared meaning. Shared meaning means that you both understand (and share) each other\u2019s ideas and ideals about what you want out of life. <\/span><\/p>\n<h5><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Reference: Gottman, John Mordechai., and Nan Silver. <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. New York: Crown, 1999. Print.<\/span><\/h5>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This is a summary of Gottman&#8217;s 7 principles from his book (Available here).\u00a0 &nbsp; Enhance Your Love Maps Basically, the more you know about each other the stronger your relationship will be. So a \u201clove map\u201d is basically your schema for the knowledge that you possess of your partner, include a range of details involving their hopes, dreams, fears, beliefs, &#8230; <\/p>\n<div><a href=\"https:\/\/www.themantic-education.com\/ibpsych\/2019\/05\/15\/gottmans-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work\/\" class=\"more-link\">Read More<\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":12051,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rs_blank_template":"","rs_page_bg_color":"","slide_template_v7":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,21],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12057","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-human-relationships","category-love-and-marriage"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.3 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ 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